Throughout it all, You have been there, God. Thank God. God willing. Oh God. Most of all, day in and day out I’ve reached out to You in one way or another. I praise you. Hallelukah. I thank you. Hodu L’Hashem. I cry to You. God help me. Pray to You. Blessed Are You God, My God. Beg You. Ad anah, Hashem? I’ve made an awful lot of deals with You as though puny little me has the power to change Your Almighty mind. I know I can’t trick You into giving me what I want, nevertheless, I try because I’ll try anything. You’re not Santa Claus or a vending machine, but I keep drawing up my lists and putting metaphorical quarters in.
I’ve said Perek Shira, Shir Hashirim, Psalms, joined Tehillim groups, done midnight segulos and even ran to mekubalim. And while none of it has yielded me a spouse, and all of it felt like an attempt to trick You, something did change. I developed a deeper relationship with You. I came to know You through a different lens. I surrendered to You.
I’ve learned that when people tell me I will get married, Im Yirtzeh Hashem, if You, God will it, then there is the possibility that You, God do not will it. That it cannot be Your will only if I marry, and my fault if I don’t. You are always in charge − not just when one’s fortune is good.
There is no figuring You out. You’re too, too great. If Moshe could not see You, neither can I. If Yonah could not escape You, neither can I. If Iyov cannot comprehend Your ways, neither can I. If millions can suffer in the world, with illness, poverty, war, cruelty, starvation, and massacres, there is no reason I should not undergo my share that pales in comparison to theirs.
We’re taught that we are not subject to the laws of nature – that our prayers − and most of all, our actions, via mitzvos − can change our destiny. The course of our fate can be affected by our mind, heart, words, and actions. If we seek to be a better Jew and fulfill our soul’s yearning to get closer to You, we can perhaps indeed shake the heavens. Perhaps not. We cannot control You, but we can learn to recognize that we must control ourselves instead. That is all we can do. That, and stand in awe of You.